Gray... I think

Why is it that the day after I decide to kill it, I begin to have an emotional attachment again? Why do I keep feeling connected to her? It's almost like an unspoken obligation where I'm not allowed to leave. I follow the cycle of being an extreme jerk, to being "nice" and indulging in lies, to feeling completely awful, to wanting it all back. I keep lying to myself. All signs point to me liking someone else, so why do I keep coming back to her? I just keep causing her pain. I keep acting like a character I hate, she does the same thing. She indulges in lying to herself to give a person she cares about temporary happiness, when all the while she is secretly loving someone else. I hate this character; but it's my similarities to her that keep me interested.

I've said I'd never, and probably will never, believe in love - or rather, believing in being in love. But I suppose that is also a lie. I believe in love. I see it all the time. But, me, personally, just believe in true love. It may be the child inside me that is never destined to leave, but I believe in that fairytale love. I'll know at first sight... She'll find me unexpectedly, and she'll never leave me thoughts. If I think that's already happened, has it really? I wish... It'd make things simpler.

If I believe in the "one true love" theory, than why do I insist on indulging in people I feel nothing for? I guess that makes me a jerk. An indifferent jerk. I don't care about your feelings; I only care about me.

Am I selfish? I don't think so... But wouldn't anyone truly selfish be so self-absorbed they could never think they are? I see myself as caring about other people, but then they turn around and practically tell me I'm heartless.

Am I worrying to much about things that don't even matter? I think they matter... But that's only because of my self-destructive attitude. I can never hold on to anything without knowing one day I'm going to let it go. I'm going to let it go and let it shatter on the floor; only to walk away, indifferent about the whole situation. I can only hope that my true love will change that, that she can be so amazingly perfect for me that there is no way I could destroy a bond I build with her.

Enough of ranting, I felt like I jumped around too much...

- Josh